Nea Kris

Let the pain flow


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Time to change

It is always very hard to start something new. First post about something specific is always very questionable – what should I start with? Will anybody read it? Which words better to use? Can I even use words properly?! I am trying, but I know that I still make mistakes sometimes, because it isn’t my first language, so I am sorry. Hopefully meaning of my words can beat the grammar.

Anyways, let’s try to tackle this thing (had to rewrite this 3 times, and yet, it is still not perfect. It still sounds too me too “tough” for what I wanted to say). I’ve written before about ways of fighting depression and now I think I am officially healed from my depression, so I want to share my personal experience of improving my life and myself. I am closer to MYSELF now, then I’ve been in a long time and I am happier than I’ve been in years. I got some confidence that I always can find something to do in my life, can make money, can be a good wife/mother. To achieve this state, you need to work on both: peace in your mind and love to your body, so I will talk about both (of course, it will take many more that one post to talk about everything).

Let’s start with some mental basics. First of all, regardless of all feminism which is very popular now (which I support mostly), feminine energy is not something bad, not something to be ashamed of (yes, this information is more for women, sorry boys! Our brains work differently). What I am talking about? Okay, let me tell you how I was before:

I always tried to do everything on my own. Better take care of things myself, so I can make sure it will be taken care of correctly, right? Result? I became a lecturing, working mom to my boyfriend and it killed all romantic feelings. I also was one who let others to disrespect me. Especially my boyfriend. I gave him a green light to do anything he wants, and I would take it. No, he never hit me or anything like this, but he would lay on the couch, demanding for food, which of course I was bringing, even after work. He didn’t want to have sex with me (even thought my body always looked good), he didn’t want to listen to me or go anywhere… and I always was accepting it. In the end he found a girl who made him feel like a man, who motivated him for more (because she simply couldn’t solve his problems, unlike me) and he left. He left me after 6 years of being together for somebody who was vulnerable and weak, in a way. As my personality goes – I didn’t have anything for myself. All my interests were his interests. I stopped writing, I was even picking my clothes, keeping him in mind (would he like it or not?). That’s how bad it was. I was not happy, I felt like I’ve been a rag under his feet, I felt that my life never will be joyful, that I will have to live my whole life like this, because no other men would ever look at me and he for some reason being cruel to me. I hoped he will change and will love me for all my sacrifices. But it isn’t how it works.

Now I know that I am a person with own style, own interests, own talents, own knowledge. I don’t need a man to survive, BUT I respect men and I want to have a family. However, I don’t want any family, I want a happy family, where each of us is playing own role: me, as a wife, him – as a husband. What are those roles? If men are fighting on the battle-field, women take care of supplies or injured. It is a team work and it is not shameful to be on your position. If women is riding a horse right next to her man, with sword in her hand – he would worry about the base, he would be confused and distracted. Woman should not be against (who will kill more enemies? I am strong too!), woman should make a couple, as a whole, completed. Man completes her, she completes man. I know that it might feel like an explosion of irritation after these words, I was the same way, but let’s try to dig a little bit more first. Yes, we, women, can drive huge trucks (or fight on the battle-field), but do we really need to, to be happy? Wouldn’t designing, writing, painting or making nails sound more interesting and bring more joy? But answer this question honestly, without trying to prove anybody anything. Just answer it to yourself, imagine that there is no other people on this planet, so nothing to prove to anybody. What would you prefer to do?

Now I accepted that I don’t always have to solve everything on my own. I accepted that I can be weaker in problems solving, BUT also that I am much stronger in expressing my desires and the way I want to be treated. Now I know that my man is not the only ray of light in my life. First of all, I have myself and then I have him. I would not forget about myself for the sake of him, not going lose myself simply because then I would become uninteresting to him. What this new life-view gave me? Now I have a little bit more time for myself (hey, I just started!), more time for pleasant things, less stress and as a result I feel confidence, happiness and I can see that my man loves me deeply, as his little girl ❤ , and not as business partner or piece of furniture in the room. I will try to explain my experience more, so if you are interested – look for my new posts!

Little exercise to do: get a bottle or jar and ask your man to open it (if this is not what you always do. If it is something that you always do, you are good 😉 ). Even if you can open it yourself, ask him to do it, and after he will finish this “job”, thank him and kiss (even if a cheek kiss), then see his reaction. Anything? Next time I will come back to this exercise.


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Barbed on my heart – 2


ring in the sink

Drip, drip – red dots
On white surface of the sink.
Washing away my pain.

Spike after spike
From my bleeding flesh
I’m pulling it out.

Barbed of memories,
Deep barbed of believes –
One by one – away!

Tears of sharp pain,
I still have flashbacks at nights.
I need to pull it out.

My opened wound,
This bleeding, hurting meat
When it will be over?

Waiting, pulling out, slowly, one by one…   



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Barbed on my heart


barbed

This is funny, but it is so sad…
I am happy with him,
And you are happy with her.
Shouldn’t it take away all pain?
Well maybe it should…
But was all our past in vain?

All these years I believed,
That we meant to be together,
Through better and through worse,
But I was mistaken…
I am not healed, even if I am so close…

Our relationships were like barbed,
They hurt me so much,
But my belief was covering it, without flee
Layer after layer, putting it on on my heart and my skin.
So it became part of me…

Now when mistake was exposed,
I have to rewind all these years and believes back.
I have to rip off this barbed from my flesh,
Layer after layer, bleeding and screaming inside.
Knowing that only after this I can be alright…

This barbed poisons my body and mind now,
But ripping it off with meat – is painful.
I am healing, I do love, but this burden…
It cannot be cured so fast. It opens wounds,
It scars me, it cripples me, it haunts me.
Last challenge to overcome, to get over this tragedy…  



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You Are Flawed. And So Are Your Heroes.

For the full picture, one person’s opinion might be not enough, so I want to introduce you to Steve, founder of Nerd Fitness, and to his philosophy of life improvement! I am part of Nerd Fitness Academy myself, so I know how hard this guy works and that he knows what he is talking about!
Here is one of his great articles about improving your life, taking responsibility and not shaming yourself.

Here are few moments that I would like to highlight from the article:


When we compare ourselves to the idealized, public facing versions of our heroes – be they a celebrity, a blogger, sports star, or writer – we feel like they’re so special and that we’re incapable of doing what they’ve done.

Wrong. Our heroes are just like our superheroes! They’re people with flaws and baggage and anxiety, and that’s what makes them both relatable and interesting.

It also means that we can learn from them. They ARE us.

 


The point I’m trying to make is this: Your heroes are not perfect robots. They have messed-up lives, crippling anxiety, depression, and baggage, just like you. And they have found a way to move forward and achieve their goals.

 


The difference between guilt and shame.

Whatever has happened to you in the past; whether it was something you did or something that was done to you, please understand the difference between guilt and shame – apply your thoughts to the action, not your identity:

“I ate an entire pizza today and sabotaged my diet this weekend. I am a failure and a waste of space.” = shame. Not healthy.

“I ate an entire pizza today and sabotaged my diet this weekend. I can’t believe I did that. That was stupid of me.” = guilt. Healthy (though still painful).

Guilt can be constructive and uncomfortable, while shame can be destructive and cause us serious damage. When we’re shameful of our behavior, it can cause us to feel even more shame, and thus seek more quick fixes, or avoid the problem, or sink even deeper into a hole, which we then get ashamed of as well.

 


As I said before, it might not be your fault that something has happened to you, but it’s time to realize that it’s your responsibility to deal with it. Mark Manson said it best in his book: “a baby showing up on your doorstep certainly isn’t your fault, but suddenly it’s your responsibility to deal with it.”

 


You have what you need. You don’t need somebody else’s permission to start. You can choose to stop being a victim. You can be your own hero. And we’re here to support you on that journey.

Full article is here: 

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/you-are-flawed-and-so-are-your-heroes/?utm_source=aweber&utm_medium=email&utm_term=flawed&utm_content=1&utm_campaign=blog&inf_contact_key=0a1949b4e2d20d764138659f4835d0b58110917167e428f6c631d72da8e0c520


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I hurt myself today

We all know this song, I just changed words a little bit, to fit me more…

 


I cut myself today,
So see how much it hurts.
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real.
The blade sliced my skin,
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything.

What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
But I am still here…



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Just a night talk


Strong alcohol taste.
Yes, I am upset by feeling…
Day after day, week after week,
And even month after month.
Funny how life turns.

That is not about love, not anymore.
But betrayal?
Pain of betrayal – that’s what I can’t bear.
That pain is too real.
One day person is your everything,
Person who you can trust your life to,
And next day, this person is just an illusion –
Mist, fading in a sunlight.

All was a lie, all was in vain…
It was my mistake to be weak,
But YOU the one who stuck a knife in my back…
And I just turned around and said nothing.
I just cried, because pain was ripping me apart.
I guess… I just didn’t expect that.

That hurts more than a broken heart.
That’s the wound that doesn’t heal.
Knowledge that people can do THIS,
Knowledge that nothing is eternal,
That  you are always alone.

And now you are hiding from me…
Avoiding… even though I forgave you?
I forgave your blade in my freaking back!
I forgave all your lie, and now you can’t see me?
Because you promised to HER?
Or because you are afraid? Ashamed?
Strong taste of alcohol again…
Buzz…relaxing… my medicine.

You just don’t understand this feeling.
You don’t understand what are you keep doing to me,
Twisting blade, a little, like a child’s play.
You just don’t get it…
I so don’t want to hate you.
I resist this feeling for so long,
But you make it so hard,
Too hard…

Like I hold a gem in my hand,
And you are burning this hand,
Making me drop it in a dirt.
Strong taste of alcohol.
I need stronger…
I need stronger…..


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Friend is better than foe. Revelation

I was thinking for a while if I should post it and if it was too much, but without personal examples it would seems too plain, so I decided to publish it anyways.
As I said on my front page – I want to share my journey and hopefully help others to heal. I already can say that I healed, mostly, but becoming THE person you want to be is more than just healing. Today I want to talk about connections, friends and foes. My mind might jump from place to place, but I will try to keep it straight. First of all, positive attitude always brings more benefits to you and people around you, unlike the negative one. As a former “queen of negativity”, I know how hard it is sometimes to believe in ANYTHING and see at least some light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been there. Everything in front of my eyes were pitch black. Antidepressants helped me and self-confidence/ relationship training. Now I am not howling in pain. I am looking for ways to develop more, but I will tell about it some other time. Right now, I want to say that I am trying to be positive, especially towards other people. It is important to respect others, but never let them to disrespect you. Being nice, should not mean being weak or too soft, and that was one of my biggest challenges. Someone can say “it is easy to be nice to people, when they are nice to you! You are pretty, cheerful girl, from a good family, etc.” Even though it is true, there is always a dark side of the Moon. I’ve been through a lot, and my weak-niceness was a reason to many of my problems. I’ve been raped, I’ve been abused emotionally, I’ve been almost killed on my own couch, I was robbed by a close person, I’ve been betrayed by love of my life, I was watching him getting ready for a date, I was waiting him at night at home, while he was with her, and she… I hated her, because she reached out to him first, and that is only a short list of everything that I had to experience. Anyways, I can that people can be sh*t. I know it very well. But what I realized – that there are still good people, people like me: who hates to lie, hates to hurt others. I realized that some of people are sick and some of them does the right thing, even when it hurts you. What is the result of all this? Of course, I am not naïve, but I still trust people to a degree, I don’t cut them off. Finally, I got strong enough to start saying “no” when I need to, even though I still need to work on it more. As a result, I am friends with my mom’s ex, and she gives me a lot of good advices, takes me out for dinner, even though she hated me at first. I forgave my ex, and we are still dear people to each other. I am friends with her new girlfriend, even though I hated her so much (and she hated me in return), so now I will babysit their kitten, which I am looking forward too. I have friends. After going through so much sh*t, through the pain, I know that each of these people are “on a same wave with me”. They are with me. And nor me, nor they – will not hurt each other anymore. Well, I mean of course it might happen, life is unpredictable, but none of us has anything evil in our mind and that is good. I got new friends and each of them brought something nice in my life. Why not let it to counter some pain that was brought by the same people?  Harm already was caused, but why make even more harm, why bring more negativity into this world? It has enough! I believe that by my attitude I changed some people around me, showing them how it can be done and that peace is possible. I just wish more people would listen and would start to care and trust. That way less people will betray and less people will be too protective to let anyone close. I don’t have many readers, but I wish to create something like a club “positive people”. I don’t know if that name is taken already, that is just a thought. I don’t think anyone will join, but just as a conclusion, from my experience – it is better to make friends, than enemies! Be cautious, respect yourself over anyone else, but stay positive!