Nea Kris

Let the pain flow

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One more day

One more day has started
One more cup of tea,
Eight more hours at work,
Hundred looks at the screen of my phone,
But there is nothing.

One more dinner,
I don’t care what to cook, what to eat.
Then writing and squads for the butt
-This circle of my regular day,
But it is empty.

Then shower and bed.
What toy shall I use today?
What I should wear tomorrow?
That’s the only questions now.
The hope is lost.

I close my eyes,
And try to push away my pain.
I need to accept that this is my reality now.
Will I ever be whole again?
And one more day has faded…



No sentiments

I apologize for such an inelegant poem, but need to vent out some steam

You know, I’m sick and tired!
I’m sick of your bull shit.
You know, it is required
To pay attention, at least a little bit…
I bring you heart, you throw it out.
I let down my hands, you send me in knockout.
I light you way when it is too dark,
You leave me alone, when hounds start to bark.
You know, I better be always alone,
Then ever chase after you,
I can be stubborn and strong,
And yeah, imagine… Fuck You Too!


Question #4. How to fill the emptiness?

Now when the sharpest pain is no more presented (whatever helped you, time or pills), it is time to find a new purpose in life and how to make it meaningful again. For me that was a big problem, because whole my life, since I was a teenager, my purpose was to build a relationship, which should lead to a loving family. This didn’t work quite well and now I know why (I learned a lot about phycology behind women and relationships in general). Either way, my life was (is?) so empty and meaningless, that it was terrifying. When I was in pain, nothing was helping me, because every positive thing was reminding me that I cannot share it with Him, so it never will be like it used to be, which only made my pain worse. Now I can breathe again (and hopefully you found your way to do it too).
So what are the few ways to try and enhance your life?

1. Help others. Be a volunteer in social services, shelters for animals or just help your parents, or even adopt a pet! In my particular case, I spend more time with my parents and with my cat. I adopted her before it all happened though. But my Sugar Pie loves me 😊

2. Again I will say this: hobby! Maybe something to do with your friends. Painting, bowling or even parkour! Yep, that’s what I tried and loved it! Sadly enough, the parkour gym is far away from my home, so I rarely go there. So I write this blog. Maybe it doesn’t have many viewers, but hey, I still made a few connections with other authors, and it makes my day, knowing that somebody out there is sharing my interests and spending time to read what I created.   

3. Find something to believe in. Yes, that’s maybe just a placebo effect, but who cares since it works? For example, I started to look into Feng Shui. I changed some small things in my house, especially focused on money sector and created a wishing map for my life. I got an unexpected bonus at work (not big, but still a pleasant surprise) and my roommate got an interview at Microsoft. Coincidence or not, but I want to keep going and try to develop this idea more.  (This is my wishing map below. I hope you can recognize Stephen King there, he is my favorite writer :P)

4. Find a way to improve yourself, to be better. Challenge yourself! It can be losing weight or taking part of some competition, or even that knuckle push ups challenge that I’ve completed. Taste of achievement for sure will make you feel better and show that there is still something in this life to live for.

5. And lastly…. This step in not for everyone, but I found it very helpful. I spent a lot of time in online training about relationships and female phycology. No, I don’t say that I am not in pain or don’t feel hopeless anymore. Heck, I do, but now at least I don’t want to kill myself every day. Now I see the possibilities in my future. I don’t know what your problem is about, it might be business, not love, but there is internet and it has information about EVERYTHING, thanks god. This training helped me to find answers on question “why???” it happened the way it happened and it gave me some peace. It also gave me answers on question in which direction I should go and how to fix things. I can say that this is part of improving yourself too, but a deeper one. I think it is a very important step to fully learn from your mistakes and not to make them next time.
Good luck everyone! And I hope we all will feel better! If anyone will have questions about anything that I learned, I am always happy to share. Your Nea  


Holding my Heart

I am holding my heart,
It beats on my palms.
Blood is dripping.

I locked my eyes,
Staring piece of meat down.
Weird feeling.

I am furious.
Fingers squeeze living shard.
Wince of pain.

Need to forgive myself.
My real life is right here,
Not a game.

Let my hands down.
Put the heart back in my chest.
Deep breath, please.

You full of hatred,
BUT! Everyone makes mistakes.
Let it go, find your peace.


Today he hit me

Today he hit me.
Smart, he leaves no marks.
Can it really be?
It is just my soul covered in scars.

What happens with world?
I gasped, I am lost,
In my heart there is bolt,
And he enjoys it the most.

But I am the one who stays.
Who can you blame?
Cover my body in lace,
I am the one who endures the pain.

Today he hit me.
And under my clothes
There are no marks or bruises.
He hit me with words.

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Dark-blue water is so calm.
It is soothing and quiet.
Now I can relax.
No stress is required.

Water was boiling before,
But now there is peace.
I can see the light through.
My eyes cannot that sparkle miss.

But light is above the water,
And I am under.
I am so low.
Not up, but down I go.

Does seafloor has lawn?…
Anyways, water was boiling before,
But now I slowly sink down
And it does not bother me anymore.

Light is so pretty and sparkly.
It makes me happy to see it,
And peace that awaits for me under
Makes me even a happier git.