Time to change

It is always very hard to start something new. First post about something specific is always very questionable – what should I start with? Will anybody read it? Which words better to use? Can I even use words properly?! I am trying, but I know that I still make mistakes sometimes, because it isn’t my first language, so I am sorry. Hopefully meaning of my words can beat the grammar.

Anyways, let’s try to tackle this thing (had to rewrite this 3 times, and yet, it is still not perfect. It still sounds too me too “tough” for what I wanted to say). I’ve written before about ways of fighting depression and now I think I am officially healed from my depression, so I want to share my personal experience of improving my life and myself. I am closer to MYSELF now, then I’ve been in a long time and I am happier than I’ve been in years. I got some confidence that I always can find something to do in my life, can make money, can be a good wife/mother. To achieve this state, you need to work on both: peace in your mind and love to your body, so I will talk about both (of course, it will take many more that one post to talk about everything).

Let’s start with some mental basics. First of all, regardless of all feminism which is very popular now (which I support mostly), feminine energy is not something bad, not something to be ashamed of (yes, this information is more for women, sorry boys! Our brains work differently). What I am talking about? Okay, let me tell you how I was before:

I always tried to do everything on my own. Better take care of things myself, so I can make sure it will be taken care of correctly, right? Result? I became a lecturing, working mom to my boyfriend and it killed all romantic feelings. I also was one who let others to disrespect me. Especially my boyfriend. I gave him a green light to do anything he wants, and I would take it. No, he never hit me or anything like this, but he would lay on the couch, demanding for food, which of course I was bringing, even after work. He didn’t want to have sex with me (even thought my body always looked good), he didn’t want to listen to me or go anywhere… and I always was accepting it. In the end he found a girl who made him feel like a man, who motivated him for more (because she simply couldn’t solve his problems, unlike me) and he left. He left me after 6 years of being together for somebody who was vulnerable and weak, in a way. As my personality goes – I didn’t have anything for myself. All my interests were his interests. I stopped writing, I was even picking my clothes, keeping him in mind (would he like it or not?). That’s how bad it was. I was not happy, I felt like I’ve been a rag under his feet, I felt that my life never will be joyful, that I will have to live my whole life like this, because no other men would ever look at me and he for some reason being cruel to me. I hoped he will change and will love me for all my sacrifices. But it isn’t how it works.

Now I know that I am a person with own style, own interests, own talents, own knowledge. I don’t need a man to survive, BUT I respect men and I want to have a family. However, I don’t want any family, I want a happy family, where each of us is playing own role: me, as a wife, him – as a husband. What are those roles? If men are fighting on the battle-field, women take care of supplies or injured. It is a team work and it is not shameful to be on your position. If women is riding a horse right next to her man, with sword in her hand – he would worry about the base, he would be confused and distracted. Woman should not be against (who will kill more enemies? I am strong too!), woman should make a couple, as a whole, completed. Man completes her, she completes man. I know that it might feel like an explosion of irritation after these words, I was the same way, but let’s try to dig a little bit more first. Yes, we, women, can drive huge trucks (or fight on the battle-field), but do we really need to, to be happy? Wouldn’t designing, writing, painting or making nails sound more interesting and bring more joy? But answer this question honestly, without trying to prove anybody anything. Just answer it to yourself, imagine that there is no other people on this planet, so nothing to prove to anybody. What would you prefer to do?

Now I accepted that I don’t always have to solve everything on my own. I accepted that I can be weaker in problems solving, BUT also that I am much stronger in expressing my desires and the way I want to be treated. Now I know that my man is not the only ray of light in my life. First of all, I have myself and then I have him. I would not forget about myself for the sake of him, not going lose myself simply because then I would become uninteresting to him. What this new life-view gave me? Now I have a little bit more time for myself (hey, I just started!), more time for pleasant things, less stress and as a result I feel confidence, happiness and I can see that my man loves me deeply, as his little girl <3 , and not as business partner or piece of furniture in the room. I will try to explain my experience more, so if you are interested – look for my new posts!

Little exercise to do: get a bottle or jar and ask your man to open it (if this is not what you always do. If it is something that you always do, you are good 😉 ). Even if you can open it yourself, ask him to do it, and after he will finish this “job”, thank him and kiss (even if a cheek kiss), then see his reaction. Anything? Next time I will come back to this exercise.

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