Nea Kris

Let the pain flow


Black Magic

Almost black, this blood,
Out of my veins,
Like a souse on my heart,
Like a drizzle on the table.

They say it is a witchcraft,
They say it is a dark magic,
But I don’t care, yes, I care not!
Because their lips will be silenced forever…

This life on the table,
Still beating, don’t ask how,
This heart is poisoned,
But all poison can be a cure.

Laugh while you can,
My pain now becoming real,
Now my pain has power,
Now my pain will be released.

Almost black, this blood,
Out of my veins,
Like a souse on my heart,
Like a drizzle over your cold skin…

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Alice in “Wonderland”

Alice in Wonderland….
She is sitting on her bed,
Her gaze full of sadness.
This blue cover, this soft bed –
It all was for their little “nest”,
For him and for her, only.
He left though and nest was empty.
Since then how many men intruded this sanctuary?
Sanctuary of broken love, of broken hopes?
We all go a little mad sometimes… life does too.
The cat laughs quietly in the corner.

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Taking away Manhood

Today I’ve heard on a radio, that nowadays it is a turn off for women when guy offers to pay for a dinner on a first date… I have to admit that it perturbed me a lot. Women teach men to be irresponsible by doing so. That is where we lead our society. But why? Is it a really good tendency to drop your kid in a kindergarten after a month, since child was born and go back to work? Yes, many women love their jobs (it is a big topic, for another post), but you can’t be a greatest mother and a successful careerist. You have to pick one. I am talking about people who wants a classic family and raise their children themselves and not put this duty on nannies or kindergartens.

According to what I’ve heard, one of the reason for this “don’t pay for me” was to avoid problem, where man offers to “pay back” for the dinner, inviting to his place. Women have to be able to say “no”, it shouldn’t be a problem! They should not just to run away from a problem, letting men think that it is alright to really expect to have sex on a first date for just a cup of coffee. Again, I am talking about dates for the serious relationships in mind. I don’t understand why women hate to be women so much. Since when it is bad to be a center of the family? Since when it is bad to motivate your man to reach greatness, as his nature is? By doing everything for men, we just show them that we don’t need them, so they don’t see any point of being a man. They don’t see a point to work hard, to provide for the family, to take responsibility! Men wants to feel needed, to feel strong…to feel to be a hero, after all, when they can reach any goal. Don’t try to take away manhood from the men. Nowadays it is so common, that sadly, many men forgot this sweet taste of win, of achievement, of pride. They like to lay down on a couch and play video games, while their woman doing everything on her own: work, cook, clean, raise kids. We take away responsibilities, we take away manliness from men and in the end, complain that so many jerks are around (not all, of course. There are still many great men out there, and I wish to grow number of them, to make them happy, as well as their women). But we teach men to be jerks and that they don’t have to respect women to get what they want.

I understand that this is a huge topic and it has different sites, but this is just very sad, that women are becoming men, and as result, men are becoming women. Why? We are different, we should not hate who we are. Women are kind, beautiful, emotional and that is alright. Times of “no rights for women” has passed, we should stop proving that we can do everything. We can! It is proven! Now it is time to embrace nature of each gender and enjoy it. Females and males have different hormones, which makes our brains work differently, so yes, we are different. It isn’t shameful to be a woman, who asks for respect, who asks for a safety in the family, and who always supports her husband. This support is not reached by pushing own achievements and money (as you are business partner), but by motivation and harmony at home, where your whole family can smile and enjoy evening, instead of arguing who did more today, and who has a bigger, you know what.

I don’t ask to take this view as the only right, but as I said before, if you are not happy in your relations, or relations don’t even develop, then maybe it is time to look at them differently? I am saying it after taken a big course of relations between men and women. Sorry for repeating myself, but I just want to make point that this course helped many families and it isn’t just a random opinion. This can be a hot topic, but I don’t want to argue with anybody, but sometimes I look around and feel that something is getting missing in our society. Doesn’t anyone relate?

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Time to change

It is always very hard to start something new. First post about something specific is always very questionable – what should I start with? Will anybody read it? Which words better to use? Can I even use words properly?! I am trying, but I know that I still make mistakes sometimes, because it isn’t my first language, so I am sorry. Hopefully meaning of my words can beat the grammar.

Anyways, let’s try to tackle this thing (had to rewrite this 3 times, and yet, it is still not perfect. It still sounds too me too “tough” for what I wanted to say). I’ve written before about ways of fighting depression and now I think I am officially healed from my depression, so I want to share my personal experience of improving my life and myself. I am closer to MYSELF now, then I’ve been in a long time and I am happier than I’ve been in years. I got some confidence that I always can find something to do in my life, can make money, can be a good wife/mother. To achieve this state, you need to work on both: peace in your mind and love to your body, so I will talk about both (of course, it will take many more that one post to talk about everything).

Let’s start with some mental basics. First of all, regardless of all feminism which is very popular now (which I support mostly), feminine energy is not something bad, not something to be ashamed of (yes, this information is more for women, sorry boys! Our brains work differently). What I am talking about? Okay, let me tell you how I was before:

I always tried to do everything on my own. Better take care of things myself, so I can make sure it will be taken care of correctly, right? Result? I became a lecturing, working mom to my boyfriend and it killed all romantic feelings. I also was one who let others to disrespect me. Especially my boyfriend. I gave him a green light to do anything he wants, and I would take it. No, he never hit me or anything like this, but he would lay on the couch, demanding for food, which of course I was bringing, even after work. He didn’t want to have sex with me (even thought my body always looked good), he didn’t want to listen to me or go anywhere… and I always was accepting it. In the end he found a girl who made him feel like a man, who motivated him for more (because she simply couldn’t solve his problems, unlike me) and he left. He left me after 6 years of being together for somebody who was vulnerable and weak, in a way. As my personality goes – I didn’t have anything for myself. All my interests were his interests. I stopped writing, I was even picking my clothes, keeping him in mind (would he like it or not?). That’s how bad it was. I was not happy, I felt like I’ve been a rag under his feet, I felt that my life never will be joyful, that I will have to live my whole life like this, because no other men would ever look at me and he for some reason being cruel to me. I hoped he will change and will love me for all my sacrifices. But it isn’t how it works.

Now I know that I am a person with own style, own interests, own talents, own knowledge. I don’t need a man to survive, BUT I respect men and I want to have a family. However, I don’t want any family, I want a happy family, where each of us is playing own role: me, as a wife, him – as a husband. What are those roles? If men are fighting on the battle-field, women take care of supplies or injured. It is a team work and it is not shameful to be on your position. If women is riding a horse right next to her man, with sword in her hand – he would worry about the base, he would be confused and distracted. Woman should not be against (who will kill more enemies? I am strong too!), woman should make a couple, as a whole, completed. Man completes her, she completes man. I know that it might feel like an explosion of irritation after these words, I was the same way, but let’s try to dig a little bit more first. Yes, we, women, can drive huge trucks (or fight on the battle-field), but do we really need to, to be happy? Wouldn’t designing, writing, painting or making nails sound more interesting and bring more joy? But answer this question honestly, without trying to prove anybody anything. Just answer it to yourself, imagine that there is no other people on this planet, so nothing to prove to anybody. What would you prefer to do?

Now I accepted that I don’t always have to solve everything on my own. I accepted that I can be weaker in problems solving, BUT also that I am much stronger in expressing my desires and the way I want to be treated. Now I know that my man is not the only ray of light in my life. First of all, I have myself and then I have him. I would not forget about myself for the sake of him, not going lose myself simply because then I would become uninteresting to him. What this new life-view gave me? Now I have a little bit more time for myself (hey, I just started!), more time for pleasant things, less stress and as a result I feel confidence, happiness and I can see that my man loves me deeply, as his little girl <3 , and not as business partner or piece of furniture in the room. I will try to explain my experience more, so if you are interested – look for my new posts!

Little exercise to do: get a bottle or jar and ask your man to open it (if this is not what you always do. If it is something that you always do, you are good 😉 ). Even if you can open it yourself, ask him to do it, and after he will finish this “job”, thank him and kiss (even if a cheek kiss), then see his reaction. Anything? Next time I will come back to this exercise.


Barbed on my heart – 2

ring in the sink

Drip, drip – red dots
On white surface of the sink.
Washing away my pain.

Spike after spike
From my bleeding flesh
I’m pulling it out.

Barbed of memories,
Deep barbed of believes –
One by one – away!

Tears of sharp pain,
I still have flashbacks at nights.
I need to pull it out.

My opened wound,
This bleeding, hurting meat
When it will be over?

Waiting, pulling out, slowly, one by one…