Nea Kris

Let the pain flow


Night Predator

There are big changes in my life (in a good way, actually!), and my new theme of the blog might be very different from what it is right now. It won’t be as dark or depressed and I will try to share this light of hope with others. However, I always liked dark poetry, so time to time I will publish it just for fun 🙂 and so my regular readers won’t be too bored!

You walk faster and faster.
Night surrounds you.
Do you call for your pastor?
I would be scared too.

Feels like you are ready to run.
Does fear took over your mind?
What is your escaping plan?
You hope salvation to find?

There is no escape!
I am right behind your back.
I will make a tape,
And put it on my trophy rack.

Knife, shine, slit,
Blood, drops, gasp.
Maniac’s heart beats,
I’m sorry, but I must…

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*Knock-knock* on a door.
I already know who’s there.
Can I take it anymore?
Can I hide? But where?

*Knock-knock* on my door.
I know it won’t go away.
Do I have to say “Hello”?
Do I have to pay?

*Knock-knock* so loud now.
I know this is last warning.
I need to open, need to bow,
I need to take it every morning.

I open door with a weak smile.
My position is very clear.
I will be on fire,
My pain is again here…



I was thinking about this topic for a long time and I understand that not many will understand me, but let’s try to talk about it anyways. At 17 years old I discovered that you can cut yourself (glass broke in my hand and cut me. People assumed that I did it on purpose, which was not true). With that I discovered that I liked it in some particular way. It helped me to reduce stress. Pain of cuts was taking away my emotional pain and concerns, making me change focus. It also was a good way to express my pain, show how it really IS, not by words, which can lie. Last year counselor told me that hurting yourself might be also an expression of anger, when you can’t express anger in other ways, which made sense to me. I never could make a scandal, couldn’t break a plate or anything, even when I found about my beloved cheating and about other nasty things. So maybe that was also a way to punish myself, to show not only pain, but my anger? To show that I have at least that power, over my own body.

When the ugliest part of an affair was happening, for the first time in my life I REALLY cut myself. In the cut I saw a layer of fat tissues and deeper. I can’t lie, it scared me and my focus of concerns changed very fast. Almost a year passed since then, and I still have a big, red scar and it itches time to time. I like it though. Like tattoos, it has meaning. It was a really big change in my life, it was a big step in my life… well, my life was pretty much demolished, so I had to start collecting myself and my life almost from a scratch and this scar always reminds me about it. It also reminds me that I went through it, that I survived, even though I still “itch” inside time to time.

I don’t have desire to cut myself that deep anymore, I am not in this kind of pain, but I still cut myself a little bit sometimes (it is funny, that when 7 years ago we started to date with my…ex, he said “if you love me, don’t cut yourself. If you will cut yourself, it will mean you don’t love me. I didn’t cut myself since, but guess what? In the end, he was the one who had lack of love, so I don’t care about breaking my part of the deal. He broke his in much worse way). So, is it really bad? I’ve heard many times that hurting yourself is not a normal behavior, that it is crazy, etc. But let’s think about it for a moment. Yes, I cut myself to ease my emotional pain, but I don’t like extreme sports, or even scary rides at theme parks. I don’t like risks and always trying to avoid any kind of injuries. I never had broken bones, surgeries or even stitches. So can you actually say that I thinking about my own safety less, then those people who goes snowboarding or drives motorcycles? My cuts – I control. I know it won’t be dangerous, I know it will be a very minor injury, so can you say that people like me are actually once-s who can harm themselves? I think all culture of harming yourself should be revised and small cuts here and there should not be judged.
HOWEVER, it is always better to live without any kind of injuries, so, please, don’t use it as a casual tool. It is one of the ways to cope with stress, but not the best one, so I wouldn’t suggest it, as a good solution.

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One more day

One more day has started
One more cup of tea,
Eight more hours at work,
Hundred looks at the screen of my phone,
But there is nothing.

One more dinner,
I don’t care what to cook, what to eat.
Then writing and squads for the butt
-This circle of my regular day,
But it is empty.

Then shower and bed.
What toy shall I use today?
What I should wear tomorrow?
That’s the only questions now.
The hope is lost.

I close my eyes,
And try to push away my pain.
I need to accept that this is my reality now.
Will I ever be whole again?
And one more day has faded…



No sentiments

I apologize for such an inelegant poem, but need to vent out some steam

You know, I’m sick and tired!
I’m sick of your bull shit.
You know, it is required
To pay attention, at least a little bit…
I bring you heart, you throw it out.
I let down my hands, you send me in knockout.
I light you way when it is too dark,
You leave me alone, when hounds start to bark.
You know, I better be always alone,
Then ever chase after you,
I can be stubborn and strong,
And yeah, imagine… Fuck You Too!


Question #4. How to fill the emptiness?

Now when the sharpest pain is no more presented (whatever helped you, time or pills), it is time to find a new purpose in life and how to make it meaningful again. For me that was a big problem, because whole my life, since I was a teenager, my purpose was to build a relationship, which should lead to a loving family. This didn’t work quite well and now I know why (I learned a lot about phycology behind women and relationships in general). Either way, my life was (is?) so empty and meaningless, that it was terrifying. When I was in pain, nothing was helping me, because every positive thing was reminding me that I cannot share it with Him, so it never will be like it used to be, which only made my pain worse. Now I can breathe again (and hopefully you found your way to do it too).
So what are the few ways to try and enhance your life?

1. Help others. Be a volunteer in social services, shelters for animals or just help your parents, or even adopt a pet! In my particular case, I spend more time with my parents and with my cat. I adopted her before it all happened though. But my Sugar Pie loves me 😊

2. Again I will say this: hobby! Maybe something to do with your friends. Painting, bowling or even parkour! Yep, that’s what I tried and loved it! Sadly enough, the parkour gym is far away from my home, so I rarely go there. So I write this blog. Maybe it doesn’t have many viewers, but hey, I still made a few connections with other authors, and it makes my day, knowing that somebody out there is sharing my interests and spending time to read what I created.   

3. Find something to believe in. Yes, that’s maybe just a placebo effect, but who cares since it works? For example, I started to look into Feng Shui. I changed some small things in my house, especially focused on money sector and created a wishing map for my life. I got an unexpected bonus at work (not big, but still a pleasant surprise) and my roommate got an interview at Microsoft. Coincidence or not, but I want to keep going and try to develop this idea more.  (This is my wishing map below. I hope you can recognize Stephen King there, he is my favorite writer :P)

4. Find a way to improve yourself, to be better. Challenge yourself! It can be losing weight or taking part of some competition, or even that knuckle push ups challenge that I’ve completed. Taste of achievement for sure will make you feel better and show that there is still something in this life to live for.

5. And lastly…. This step in not for everyone, but I found it very helpful. I spent a lot of time in online training about relationships and female phycology. No, I don’t say that I am not in pain or don’t feel hopeless anymore. Heck, I do, but now at least I don’t want to kill myself every day. Now I see the possibilities in my future. I don’t know what your problem is about, it might be business, not love, but there is internet and it has information about EVERYTHING, thanks god. This training helped me to find answers on question “why???” it happened the way it happened and it gave me some peace. It also gave me answers on question in which direction I should go and how to fix things. I can say that this is part of improving yourself too, but a deeper one. I think it is a very important step to fully learn from your mistakes and not to make them next time.
Good luck everyone! And I hope we all will feel better! If anyone will have questions about anything that I learned, I am always happy to share. Your Nea