Nea Kris

Let the pain flow

Question #2. What is the biggest cause of my pain?

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It is too early to answer the question “how to stop the pain?”. I didn’t find this answer yet, but I found an answer on another important question. Why it is important? Because to really solve the problem, you need to find the root of it. I heard many times that finding the truth is helpful, because when you realize that something was dictated (for example) by your childhood’s trauma, you can let it go easier, so I researched for my answer. I couldn’t find it at first: my childhood was good, my teenage years were fine, my family was great. So why I don’t feel like a whole without a man? Why being myself and being with myself doesn’t make me happy? And why now I am in such a desperation, even though my… ex (I’m still choking on this word…) was not really good to me. I found my answer. Not quite comfortable to say it outloud here, especially when I am not even sure that people read it and it can help anyone. I just want to say that there was no trauma which caused it, but actually positive model that was in front of my eyes, which I always wanted to reach and now I am 28, and I failed, even though I was giving out everything to reach my goal. It is like huge letters “MISSION FAILED” on my screen after so many years of getting there. Yes, I labeled myself as a loser, because my life-goal is already past the “due date” and after 6 years, I was kicked back to the very beginning! Honestly, I still don’t know how I shall live with it, knowing that me and my life is a failure.
Most of the people find it easier to move on, when they find answer on the question “what really caused it?”, because usually it isn’t just a break up, it isn’t only getting fired. When you get to a state when you want to end your life and when you feel hurt every day for so long, your problems are much deeper than that. Try to find it this answer too, it might help. The least what it will do, it will bring some peace, because you will understand yourself better. And from here let’s go further, hoping to find more answers, hoping to beat this leech, that is sucking all happiness and power from inside. There is still a hope to find something good in this life. Let’s hold our hands and believe.

One thought on “Question #2. What is the biggest cause of my pain?

  1. I’m not sure how much this may, or may not help, but…

    Of all things in life that you can count on, unpredictability is key among them. Not many achieve their “ideal” life.

    And I won’t lie, regrets do happen, and there are no magical “cures” to the pain.

    However, as time goes by, doors you may never have expected may open up; life opportunities you may have considered unreachable can still turn out okay, or sometimes you might have a completely different kind of life opportunity.

    Personally, I wanted to be a fighter, a protector, still do. But I have grown a bit in age and can no longer compete with the youngin’s of today.

    But I have learned that pain is something that must be conquered, doors must be opened through one’s own efforts, and then, only then can you find something truly worth protecting.

    I ain’t no old man to preach, but a young lady like yourself; should still have some fight left in her.

    Lose, mourn, overcome and live. But never stop moving.

    Liked by 1 person

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